When a loved one has a serious disease, the focus naturally shifts to him or her. The patient needs a lot of emotional and physical support through the long treatment and recovery process. It’s easy for you—their loved one—to fade into the background. Friends and other relatives call or visit the person who is ill. All of your conversations may end up being about the patient’s treatment and progress.

Sometimes you, too, need a chance to have a good laugh or cry. You need to be able to talk about what’s scaring you or making you angry. Sometimes you just need a break. It’s important for you to recognize and talk about your own feelings, but you need to turn to other people besides your loved one.

Some of the emotions you may feel are discussed below. Maybe you’ll feel all of these—or none of them. Remember that everyone reacts differently during times of stress.

Fear
You might be fearful about whether your loved one is going to live. You may fear that you don’t have the strength or courage to go through illness, treatment, and recovery. If the patient is your spouse, maybe you’re afraid you’ll be left alone without enough money to keep your home or take care of children.

You may simply fear the unknown. What happens next? Will you be taking care of an invalid, dealing with death, or working to get your family lives back on track? When will life return to the way it was? Some people are great at handling the most awful circumstances but are uncomfortable in situations where they can’t predict the outcome.

The saying that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" probably seems a bit simplistic for the complicated situation you find yourself in. But fear is crippling. It tends to stop you from doing things that can improve your situation.

Getting information is one of the best ways to deal with fear. It won’t take away all your fear, but it will help you control it. If you’re worried about money, now is a good time to get the details about your savings and expenses Talk with a financial adviser or social worker. If you’re worried about the treatment, ask the doctor questions and do your own research. Reassurance from others may help.

Tell your loved ones something about your fears, but be cautious about sharing too much. Most caregivers have a lot of fears. Knowing that you are not alone with your feelings may be important to you—and may actually help. But  your loved ones may not be in a good position to support you. Find a support group where you can talk about your fears and hear how others have faced theirs.

Resentment 
You may have some feelings of resentment toward your loved one. Yet you may wonder how anyone could resent someone who is ill. You may not want to talk about this feeling of resentment, fearing that people will think it is selfish, insensitive, or mean to resent a loved one who is ill and may die.

But resentment in this situation is not uncommon. Perhaps you blame your loved one for allowing the illness to develop, even when you know that’s not what happened. You may resent the time and energy you are expected to give.You might even resent the attention that the patient gets, while you are exhausted. Your life has had many difficult changes since finding out about the disease. You may resent your loved one for these unwelcome changes. It may be that you are resenting fate, your higher power, or the healthy people you know.You may want to shout about how unfair it all is. Why is your loved one ill and not someone else?

You may be experiencing these feelings and have a difficult time expressing them to others. Remember that resentment is a hard emotion to conceal or bury. If you feel it, at some point you are likely to express it—directly or indirectly. If you’ve bottled up this feeling for a while, it can come pouring out in an ugly way that may be hurtful to others. A better way to cope with your feelings of resentment (or any difficult feeling) is to talk with a trusted friend, a counselor, or others who have been through a similar experience. Your hospital and clinic have support groups and can refer you to counselors or therapists who can help you.

Abandonment
Although you may be spending all of your time—or what seems like all of your time—with your loved one, you can still feel as if you’ve been abandoned. You can’t really be part of his or her life in the same way as before the illness. The patient is on a  "journey" of illness. You can’t really be part of it if you aren’t ill yourself. The patient’s full attention is focused on the disease, the treatment, and what this means for the rest of his or her life. Although the person loves you, he or she is "gone" for much of the time—just when you really need support, love, and understanding.

Although your loved one may need a lot of your time, you can take a few hours here and there to be with other friends or family members. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Take breaks from caregiving and ask others to occasionally relieve you. You might, for example, go to lunch with a friend, read a book or newspaper, watch a video, spend time with family, or simply take a walk.

Try not to abandon your loved one emotionally because you feel abandoned. Strive to be close. Do this in positive ways (finding things to laugh about together or reading out loud together, for example). Talk about the evening news or how proud you are of your child. Hold hands and hug and use loving words. Your life together is more than this disease and recovery.

Sadness
It is very natural to feel sad when someone close to you is ill. You see one of the most important people in your world going through a rough time. You may be facing the possible loss of your spouse. There are new emotional and physical demands on you, and it may feel like you are alone.

Things are not normal, and you probably miss normal. You want to pull the blankets over your head and go to sleep. You want to cry. If you need to cry, go ahead and cry. Crying is a healthy release that can make you feel better. If you want to sleep, sleep late when you can. Spend time with friends and family who will understand, comfort you, and be with you in your sadness.

Do try to include some things in your life that make you happy. Go to funny movies (laughter, too, can make you feel better), take walks in pretty places, spend time with friends who are interesting and lively, or read bedtime stories to your children or to someone else’s children.

Depression
Sadness and depression are normal, but depression goes beyond sadness. When you are depressed, you tend to feel a sense of hopelessness. You’re convinced that things will never be good again. Some signs and symptoms of depression include:

• A change in sleep habits. You sleep all the time, you wake up too early, or you can’t fall asleep.
• A change in eating patterns. You find yourself eating too much, or you don’t feel like eating at all.
• Weight loss or gain
• Lack of energy
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
• Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
• Thoughts about suicide

If you think you may have depression, you need to get help. Depression is a real illness and can have serious effects. People who are depressed don’t always recognize that they are depressed. If friends say you don’t seem to be yourself or ask if you are depressed, pay attention. They are giving you very important feedback. It may help for you to see a professional to determine whether you are experiencing depression. Counseling, along with medicine, could be helpful in treating your depression.

Healthy Ways To Deal With Feelings
It’s important to express your feelings, but you don’t want to let them get the best of you. Consider some of the following healthy ways to express feelings.

• Learn or practice deep breathing exercises. Sit quietly for a few minutes each day and pay attention to your own breathing. Try to clear your mind of thoughts and feelings for this time. Just close your eyes, notice your breath, and be aware of yourself in this moment. This is a beginning form of meditation that may bring you some peace and help you get through each day more easily. If you find this helpful, you may want to learn more about meditation.
• Talk to yourself about how you feel—and recognize that it’s okay to have these feelings.
• Talk to other people. They can give you a reality check and provide support when you need it.
• Use what has helped you feel better in the past. If exercise is your way to let out anger, then get to the gym, go for a bike ride, or go for a walk. If pampering yourself helps you deal with sadness, then bring out the bubble bath and the scented candles, or listen to soothing music.
• Look to your spirituality. People who have a regular place of worship can find support in going to services. If you are away from home, you may want to find a local place of worship. If your spirituality is more personal and individual, find ways to explore it on your own.
• Read inspirational books. A book of meditations or prayer or books about others who have struggled with a loved one’s illness can affirm that you are not alone.